15 June - personal thoughts transcription:
- Review pgs. 53-61, 117-122
- I just... can't understand why/how I'M getting notes on "going up on lines" but others aren't. Especially when I KNOW how generally precise I was today. Which is why I called out Zak when I got corrected for something that wasn't my fault. And also there's so much fucking around on lines everywhere else!! Additional thoughts: This was the first rehearsal where I felt really confident about my lines and knew precisely the ones I still needed to work on. The above sets of pages are entire scenes that I felt I should review but don't overall reflect the confidence I actually had in myself following the delivery of each scene. I was corrected for "missing" a few lines in my first scene which was due to Zak skipping a whole section-- so of course I missed them. Why it was my mistake, particularly when I handled the jump quite well, is simply beyond me. There were multiple scenes throughout where I know others of my castmates were not hitting their lines precisely, yet it seemed to be me (or Jared) who were the focus of the supposed problem. I'm very disheartened by this.
- How are S & R [September and Robert] called "excellent" and "brilliant" when they make everyone else's jobs SO HARD. Additional thoughts: If inconsistent, erratic performances of scenes, wherein emotion has been indulged and encouraged since the first read-through, is considered "excellent" or "brilliant", then I guess Simon and I have different understandings of these words. Particularly when the rest of us are creatively compromised or, as I like to say, taken hostage (see below). To me, excellent and brilliant work should be more universally appreciated, particularly by my scene partners without whom my excellence or brilliance is nothing!!
- What did I do differently that he questioned my (correctly delivered, as usual) lines a number of times? Additional thoughts: Simon comment on at least three lines of mine today with initial questioning that I had even said them correctly because something about them was different enough that he heard them as if for the first time-- which would be really good, I think, except that the initial impression is that I had said my lines incorrectly. I've tried to objectively consider what I did quite so differently today and I think a difference is that I was allowing myself to be much more present and influenced by actor-Emily's personal feelings as character-Madeline. So of course my delivery was fresh and new. But I always have aimed to be fresh and new. I know I have been, throughout the process. Objectively. I also know, objectively, some of my peers have delivered some of their lines exactly the same way since our first read-through. So what is it about my delivery today that was so starkly different that the assumption was made I was wrong? Maybe this is a case of FU that we discussed in workbook session a few weeks ago...
- "This scene is so different from how it's written!" - Zak, with some amazement & disappointment -- NO FUCKING WAY. Additional thoughts: The penultimate scene of this play is nothing like the way I expected it to be upon first and second and fifth and sixth reads through. The stage directions indicate that Madeleine is supposed to sooth Fingal before kissing him on the mouth to calm him down, after which the have a new understanding for the final scene. Zero times has Zak's delivery of his marathon speech inclined me to sooth him, much less kiss him. He stands and delivers a sobbing sermon about Fingal's "true feelings" (which they actually aren't, by virtue of the fact that two weeks later he's happily engaged to marry Clare, as outlined throughout the text over and over-- the speech to Madeleine is ranting, emotional word vomit induced by alcohol and impending financial ruin, but I digress...) that takes forever, doesn't take into account the six other characters in the room, doesn't acknowledge the number of times Madeleine has interrupted him in the scene up until that point-- just a wallowing, babyish, SOBBING expulsion of emotion that forces actor-Emily to feel exposed, embarrassed, frustrated, annoyed, and mad-- which of course comes across in character-Madeleine's response. Instead of kissing and soothing, I awkwardly pat his back and force myself to allow him to sob into my leg/skirt until Jared and Madison can motivate themselves to carry onward in the scene. This is not a slam on them. Nor on Zak, actually. I had a series of conversations with Simon about the direction of the speech and the scene, and I was quite honest about how I definitely could not honestly motivate Madeleine to offer much more than a pat on the back (to say nothing of a soothing kiss!!) based on what is being given to me. But despite my honest reactions, which are director-approved and which are increasingly honest, Zak is surprised and amazed and somewhat somehow disappointed that the scene is "so different" from the way it is written. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. He ignores every response I give him. He ignores my scoffing, he ignores my discomfort, he ignores the deflation of the rest of the cast as we all settle in for his confessional sermon. I shouldn't be surprised by this, and I guess I'm not. Just continually on the hunt as to what I can continue to do better and more honestly to play the scene as it was intended.
16 June - personal thoughts transcription:
- I am so furious about the end of 1.3 I could cry. WHY DOES ROBERT IGNORE ME AS I AM SCREAMING AT HIM. And then stands ON TOP OF ME during my exchange with Fingal? This play is officially about Audelle. It is no longer an ensemble piece. Additional thoughts: He literally ignores me. He ignores everyone. He does what he does and will not listen to anyone, including a hysterical, demanding LADY with a TITLE in the ESTATE where he is a GUEST-- who is, on a more personal level, his peer and castmate, who is actively and obviously frustrated. And sad. I'm just sad. The scene is supposed to culminate with the revelation that the already-ruined estate is now further ruined and blood is on Madeleine's hands. Instead it culminates with Robert rejoicing in his sensate-ness and participating in a conversation that is not his by simply being directly in Zak's "bubble" when Zak is supposed to be having a conversation with me. It has been suggested by others of my cohort that this play has become about Audelle instead of about the Lambrokes or about the ensemble-- today, I 1000000% agree. And I feel so so so sad that there feels like I can't do anything to tell the actual story.
- WTF, sight lines. We cannot see each other. How will the audience see anyone?
- Robert LAUGHS through 1.4, proving that he is NOT LISTENING TO ANYONE, including himself. Additional thoughts: Robert's actor habit is that he laughs when he either doesn't know what else to do or, more frequently, when he doesn't know what he's saying. It has made me hyper-conscious of objectively observing my own actor habits. My most specific actor habit is tension, which I check at every opportunity. I'm amazed (AMAZED) how I can relax so much of my body without compromising a physical position. So at least I'm learning from others.
- Review pg. 117-end
- Robert confesses he wasn't pay attention during notes-- "Was there something for me?" - No. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. Additional thoughts: It's about the piece, it's about the ensemble, it's about the cohort. I need to continually remember this as well.
- Why does Madi get pulled back for her tears, but R, S, & Z [Robert, September & Zak] DON'T?! Additional thoughts: Literally the first time Madison was able to produce real, honest, beautiful tears during her amazingly beautiful song, she was told they needed to come at a different time. Meanwhile, other members of our cast have been sobbing uncontrollably throughout the play, particularly in the penultimate scene, without abandon or restraint, since the first read-through. It has made me so aware of my own and my character's emotions. I am proud of the fact that I rarely get the two confused. Actor-Emily is inclined to be dreadfully more emotional than character-Madeleine. I'm calling that a win for myself and something I want to continue to refine.
- We have been encouraged to "keep playing" but most of us get corrected when we do. Hard to understand. Additional thoughts: Meaning, five of us are regularly corrected whenever we try to do something new, or are forced to react differently based on given circumstances. I'm trying to see this as a lesson in producing a cohesive, consistent character based on direction or forced circumstances that are not necessarily scripted or something previously rehearsed by me. I think ultimately it makes me a better, more flexible, more aware, more adult actor. I hope so, anyway.
- Mentioned I'd like to run the end of 1.3 because I end up behind Robert for most of it - which Simon doesn't mind because this play is about Audelle. Dammit. Additional thoughts: I wish I could say I was alone in this kind of situation. But regularly, most of the cast is "hostage" to the inclinations of a few characters-- in this case, Audelle-- who have somehow become The Point of this play. I don't know when I missed the conversation or the revelation regarding The Point of this play, but from my reading and dissection of the text, the play isn't about any one single person. There are only eight people in the show. Every single character is important, every single character has a journey, every single character contributes to the overall Point, which is about what it means to be human, to love, to grieve, to interpret and digest death. I'm choosing to see this as an opportunity to stretch myself and ground Madeleine in truth, given the text and the apparent circumstances. I hope I will always be an actor, going forward, who honors the journey of every actor and character with whom I work.
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