Monday 30 November 2015

final workbook session

I know it's my own fault but I felt really rather discouraged upon leaving our final workbook session of the term today.

I'm a little bit tired of how frequently my cohort likes to (as the Mormons say) "bear testimony" of how much they love each other and the programme and how we work together, etc. etc. etc. 

Cool. Got it. 

It doesn't serve much to continue talking and TALKING about it. 

And it's tough because I can't invalidate someone else's experience or opinion-- their views are all valid. But for example, Robert started talking about his friend who is in a 3-year course and how glad he is that he's in a 2-year programme because he'd rather "fast-track" his progress. But our course isn't a "fast track." And it shouldn't be. And I certainly can't say that I feel like I'm on a "fast track" since one Shakespeare scene in acting class and working on one Shakespeare play hasn't really given us a lot of exposure to the entire era. The whole point is to find and explore and discover in depth.

What our programme is is immersive-- or at least it should be. We aren't going to "be tested" on the reading list, but the discoveries we make in the reading should be reflective in our work. We don't have many traditional assignments due each week, but the work we do between sessions should indicate a level of focus ongoing outside of class. I was attracted to this programme specifically because it expects the students to do the work of a 3-year course in two years. To me there's nothing "fast track" about that.  There's a lot of trust and responsibility put on us in that regard. And the progress I feel we've made as a cohort this term I'm not sure reflects the depth we could have reached in ten weeks. I think we've "fast tracked" it in the sense of being a little bit shallow, breezing along and taking advantage of free evenings and no papers to write.

I know I haven't done everything I can either. I know I've allowed my mindset to be somewhat swayed by the fact that I'm fairly confident in at least some sessions that people won't take it very seriously, won't necessarily have done the work throughout the week, won't necessarily even be completely memorized, and that there will be very little consequence for that, particularly since we aren't being assessed on much this term. I know I've fallen into that trap. It's a tough one too, because I see myself doing it and I'm annoyed by myself, but I'm also faced with the reality that it's hard to reach new depths for myself in every session (some it's certainly possible, and I do my best in those to push myself) when I spend time waiting for others to catch up, simply because they haven't thought about the session since the previous week. I can coast on that. We all can.

It makes me really frustrated. And energized to do better.

But I don't know how to push my friends to expect more of themselves too. I suppose that will come naturally the progression of the course in each term, if for no other reason that we'll have assessments in more and more classes to look forward to. But I think more can be expected of us. All eight of us are capable of SO MUCH MORE than we've been displaying. We are MASTERS students, which means we should be producing MASTERS-level work, whether or not it's even expected of us. We should go home every day feeling exhausted and spent, but responsible for the work we still need to do before coming back to class the next morning.

This shouldn't be a "fast track."

I need to do a lot of reflecting over the break to take ownership of what I can do better. And I will do those things, for the sake of myself and also the cohort. But I hope I can look forward to the support of my fellow students to do the same.


Tuesday 24 November 2015

d.o.n.e.

I think I'm ready for this term to be over. 

I really enjoy the things we've been working on and I think I'm starting to get to a place where it's all starting to gel, but I'm really done with the learning dynamic of my cohort. I understand that people learn in different ways and at different rates, and I understand that we came into this programme with different levels of training, but I'm really really frustrated that the pace of MY learning in class is so frequently determined by my classmates. 

It took us two hours over two class sessions to learn the steps for the jig that's supposed to be at the end of As You Like It. We haven't learned the actual choreography yet. We have one class session left. 

It took us more than an hour to learn HALF of the pavan today, which is a series of WALKING STEPS. 

Literal.

WALKING.

Francoise is still having to remind us to "listen to me demonstrate" before we jump in to the exercises she takes us through. 

Our final cultural studies session yesterday was 1.5 hours of mostly senseless nodding to questions like "Have you talked about pastoral comedies yet?" to which the actual answer is NO, not in the textbook, historical context that she's referring to. In fact, I don't know that the phrase "pastoral comedy" has actually be used anywhere this term. SO WHY ARE WE NODDING?????????

I'm frankly also disappointed that we haven't been able to tackle more than one scene in our acting class. I feel like we need to be be exposed to more scenes/plays within a term, particularly within an acting class. I'm worried that this is going to determine the rest of the year. I'd like to do more than one Restoration piece, for example, and definitely more than one Well Made Play scene. 

All of this comes back to a sense of pace. As graduate acting students, why aren't we able to work through more material more swiftly??????

I feel so ready to just finish this term, get what I can from it, and regroup before next term. I'm ready to FLY next term.

And at very least, I cannot be in Group B as it stands right now. 

In fact-- I almost wish we had Groups A, B AND C because in groups of 2-3 we'd truly get the instruction each of us need without holding anyone back or moving too swiftly for others. 

But being that we can't have three groups, I'm JUST DONE working at the rate of the slowest members of the class. I really hope the instructors start to push us a little faster next term and encourage those who can't move as quickly to sometimes seek tutorials or work on their own time. It just doesn't feel fair. 



Now isn't this a change from my initial feelings about school!


Thursday 19 November 2015

progress

I've landed on Jaques.

At least more so.

And goddammit-- David Jackson was right about the clothes and no makeup.

I very specifically wore clothes that made me feel boxy and uncomfortable as Emily. My goal was to find a way to make them feel comfortable as someone else. Wouldn't you know it, carrying myself differently and utilizing my hands in pants pockets made me feel more comfortable.

And I made some big strides in line delivery, which allowed for a lot of good, specific direction.

I wore my glasses to rehearsal today and it was like icing on the cake. Glasses even give me a mannerism-- pushing them on my nose.

I'm actually looking forward to rehearsal next week. I never thought the day would come. I still don't particularly like As You Like It and I certainly don't love some of the acting choices my peers are making, but we're starting to have a show here, and I'm starting to enjoy my contributions to it.

All the world's a stage...

rehearsal reflections

Good progress this morning on the play. I wish we could get a little deeper into things but David's directing style is layered, so we get a bit more each time we work through it. Also it's tough to work very deeply when we're all in varying places of memorization (myself included). I guess overall I prefer to learn and work chunks at a time. I'm quite used to being memorized for rehearsal but usually there's the benefit of working on a scene for an hour or a few right up front so it helps the memorization process solidify before the next time the scene is revisited. I don't know. This process isn't my favorite and I think it's ambitious as our introductory rehearsal process, but oh well. It's coming along and at least David recognizes the work I'm doing on my own. I guess that's what matters to me the most.

I'm so glad we're at the point in the term where our cohort are starting to get real direction and correction from our tutors. I've been waiting for the kind of corrections we've really started to get this week. There is something to be said for "discovery" and in our own time, but that really only gets a person so far, I think. I'm here so I can improve-- being let to continue in bad habits doesn't seem helpful. I don't mean line-reads or anything like that, but I'm a little tired of kind of exclusively exploring. Exploration can go hand-in-hand with the kind of direction that I'm hoping for.

But today makes me feel encouraged. Hoping it's an indication of things to come over the next few weeks.

Wednesday 18 November 2015

wednesday reflection

I think acting class went really well today. I do really enjoy listening to the other scenes and the feedback for/from everyone else. I really look forward to this class. What a change from the first few weeks of classes when I expected to hate Wednesdays. OK, GRAD SCHOOL, I GET IT. I'M LEARNING AND CHANGING. OK, YOU GOT ME. It was pretty amazing to see my cohort perform-- there really is such improvement in everyone. Relative to their level of experience, of course, but everyone really has improved. Though I still question some of my peer's clothing choices... (Namely, long underwear are not pants.)

I think Wendy & Peter Pan at the RSC last night has sparked a lot of thought in me. I'm ultimately really excited about being an actor today. I don't always feel excited. I'd say I always feel passionate or ambitious or intent, but not necessarily excited. But I'm excited today-- yet the question is, to what end? I'm not sure what that means, because I think I do want a professional career. No-- I know I do. But at the RSC? Or something like it? Why not at Utah Shakespeare Festival? You know? I guess I'm just very struck by how good work can be (and is) done at places without a great reputation or budget or star power or notoriety. And I guess obviously I'd like to work for Utah Shakes-- I'd like it quite a lot, actually. But I just feel like good work goes into the universe and makes a ripple, even just a small one, even if only for 6 people in the audience. That sounds terribly poetical... But it's true.

Except I always want to perform for audiences much, much bigger than 6 people. But where?

Our magical movement class with Keith was lovely as always. We did some partner work where one partner had to explore movement with their eyes closed. It was very freeing and a true trust-building exercise. I love Keith's approach to movement-- it's so exploratory and energy-based and, as always, I'm surprised by what I'm capable of doing. I was also pleased with the exercise today since I worked with Rachael and much of the time she and I just let the other play with their eyes closed. We'd control the situation so the other wouldn't run into a wall or another person or we'd catch each other if we fell (on purpose) but we were pretty intent of letting the other do whatever they wanted to do without inhibiting-- just supporting it.

Most of the class, however, created a kind of duet together, which was also lovely, but a few of them mentioned that they didn't want to leave the "blind" partner in "the void," so they were much more hands-on. I don't think it's at all wrong, but I do think that's somewhat reflective of how we have different ideals as a practicing ensemble. I didn't feel like I was in a void at all when my eyes were closed-- I felt like I couldn't fail, actually, like every possibility was open to me. That's not a void at all. And since each "blind" moment was about one of us, the other was there to facilitate that focus, not insist on participating or controlling or throwing curveballs at them when they were already in a sensory disadvantage. If we had both had our eyes open, then the moment (or the scene or whatever) is about us and there's more room to share the performance.

I don't know-- maybe I'm digging too deeply but it feels somewhat rudimentary for the seeing partner to insist on participating-- and potential grounds for bd acting habits, honestly. A GIANT part of working in an ensemble is knowing when it's your moment and when it's not your moment, even if you're onstage; to what degree do I "matter" to the storytelling of the events in the scene. It's not about "moving" or "working" together-- it's the give and take and knowing when you're frankly not "the point" in a moment. I'm interested in exploring these ideas more, especially as our group continues to refine their skills.

Rehearsal for As You Like It was pretty good. We spent 1.5 hours working on 2.7, but it was good hard work, which was needed for all the reasons-- not the least of which is the entire cast is in the scene. I did it completely off-book and made some great strides, in spite of needing to call for lines at the end of both monologues. I started to get a bit bummed at myself but the truth is, David was pleased with my progress, I knew the scene well enough to be able to work through it, and also I have a good (productive) ability to stay in the moment as I have lines fed to me so I help keep the momentum going for everyone else-- so big progress today.

I don't suck at acting. I'm actually pretty good at acting. I'm extra motivated to catch a second wind and keep working hard this term. I want to end it as strongly as I can so that I know I have taken every opportunity to take advantage of the discovery part of this term.

Sunday 15 November 2015

acting

I'm really thrilled that we've been doing so much energy work in acting class in the last few weeks. I feel like it's been rather transformative, at least emotionally if not physically. Energy work is something I've been so interested in for so long in my personal life, I'm surprised and a little annoyed that I haven't applied it more to my acting. I especially loved working through the chakras and applying them to the Countess for my scene-- it absolutely gave me new direction, to the point where I don't think I was able to give my strongest performance immediately following the energy work because I was so interested in playing with leading from different chakras, but I'm excited to apply it in my own time and going forward. I have a feeling it will help me nail down Jaques a bit better too.

Speaking of whom, that character is such a mystery and I'm pretty frustrated. I know we still have a month to work, but I just don't feel like I understand this guy. First of all, I think it's clearly because he is a guy. I feel extraordinarily limited in my physicality because I am so comparatively feminine. But there's also an element of relaxation to him, almost a bit gender-neutral (the introduction essay in our copy of the script talks about this a lot), which makes things incredibly difficult. He wanders. He moves. I'm trying to find moments of stillness because it will help me control it, but by virtue of how the character is written, he's just not very buttoned up, which is causing me problems. David has asked that I come to rehearsal from now on with no makeup or jewellery, my hair undone, and in proper trousers. I may actually venture to Primark or something this week to invest in a few pairs of actual male pants to see if that will help me? I'm sure it'll be psychological more than anything but I do need some help and dressing the part will be part of it.

But clothing aside, I just don't get it. I don't know what to do with my hands and my arms. I don't know how to stand or carry myself. I don't know how to even hold my head with Jaques. Le Beau has come SO EASILY to me, but Jaques is an absolute puzzle. I'm trying to head into the next week with a good attitude and make BIG choices in rehearsals to see what I can find. He requires exploration this week. Here's hoping I can make some discoveries.

All I do is win win win no matter what what.......

Wednesday 11 November 2015

beautiful

I have never had a class experience like I had today in Keith's class. I think most of the class feels the same way. What we accomplished today was nothing short of a kind of miracle that I could have experienced for hours and hours and hours.

The thing is, it's very difficult to convey. Keith's class itself is actually pretty hard to describe. I guess what we really did today was mainly improvised movement that was like dancing sometimes, like performance art in other moments. He played music and gave us some little direction, particularly as we began-- focus on movement through the feet, move it up into the knees and legs, let it come from the hips, etc. I'm always impressed in that class by the fact that I'm so much more physically capable than I think I am. If I truly let my wrist lead or my knees or my hips or my chest, and truly let the movement come from those places, everything becomes so relatively easy. I don't have to work to stand, I don't feel awkward on the floor, I can jump and leap and throw myself around easily. It isn't hard. It's so incredibly liberating.

As the music changed, obviously so did the movement and the direction Keith was giving us so that we began to work together-- to have "conversations," as he calls them. All of a sudden we were truly acting. We were creating relationships together and little stories. The most absolutely stunning part of the experience was as we concentrated on "reaching and pulling." The tension between partners and small groups of people opened up so many physical possibilities to get into various positions and shapes. But also in the energetic sense, we were able to make connections with people across the room, people who weren't even in the room. I had a particularly lovely little moment with Jared that all at once felt exploratory and sad and maybe a hint sensual but incredibly platonic and filled with such trust. I look forward to working with him. I feel like I can progress far with him in my class.

Looking around at the cohort at the end of class, all of us dripping with sweat and messy hair and breathing deep and with some emotion around our eyes, I've never been more in love with and attracted to a group of people. I felt like myself and knew that everyone around me was themselves too. It's purely amazing what happens when you let go and stop trying.

Wednesday 4 November 2015

i won today

Today was the greatest day of my grad school experience so far.

Madison and I nailed our All's Well scene for Alex's class. To be honest, it wouldn't have been hard to do better than we did last time.... but I think we both felt like we had something to prove, and we did. We've made great strides as a duo. The energy exercises last week really motivated us, as well as our Globe experience. I think Madison and I are getting closer as peers as well, and starting to trust each other, which obviously affects our scene. We went last of the scenes and in a small way, it was like a micro version of those performances when you know you have the entire audience in the palm of your hand. The class felt very engaged with us and we were very engaged with each other. It paid off.

Alex had some great notes for us afterward, namely that he was incredibly impressed by how "on the line" we deliver the verse. The whole class got notes this week and during our first performances about acting on the line and it doesn't seem to be clicking with most of the class. In fact, if we step back and look at the scope of all of our classes, every class where we have looked at Shakespeare text has been lessons in acting on the line and not between lines or in the middle of the line. That's the whole point-- to stop taking the time to think, frankly. And even though we've heard it literally one million times between classes and the reading we're supposed to be doing, today was the first time it started to click with most of the cohort what it means that "Shakespeare is not psychological realism." I like to think our performance in class had a little bit of an illustrative effect as well.

I need to work on my physicality, but of course I do. That's typically what my acting notes come back to. But we had a great connection and everyone had very complimentary things to say. Alex said it was the first time today that he just wanted to know what was going to happen next. I feel very accomplished in that.

Acting isn't about "winning" and neither is grad school, particularly in a cohort situation, but it feels really nice to have won my own day.

Tuesday 3 November 2015

jaques

Thomas Barrow - Downton Abbey


Oliver Ryan - RSC 2013






mid-week reflection

Things I feel pretty good at today:

  • What we covered in ballet today-- despite having massage treatment on my hips yesterday (causing my hips to turn to mush when required to work this morning). I have pretty dancer feet. 
  • SINGING-- I feel glorious and capable
  • RP-- I presented a piece for Phyllida from Overruled by G.B. Shaw today and all she said was "Jolly good! You remind me of Helen George." No corrections, and a high compliment!
  • Stretching and movement basics-- I think I've emerged from my "feeling rusty" stage to a place where I think I can start improving again. 
Things I need to work on: 
  • Memorization-- act II from AS YOU LIKE IT; second verse of folk song "The Lark in the Clear Air." 
  • Review-- scene from ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL; act I from AS YOU LIKE IT; sonnet for Simon's class; lyrics of "Perfect;" lyrics of "Just Keep Moving the Line. 
  • Study-- act III from AS YOU LIKE IT; second sonnet for Simon's class.
Extracurricular activities for the week: 
  • Private voice lesson with Kerry. 
  • Wednesday yoga at home.
  • Thursday ballet class at Hippodrome. 
We had a few really good conversations in Workbook yesterday, firstly about our Globe experience and then about our cohort dynamic. I found both conversations incredibly valuable. I love to talk about acting and feel like I don't really get the chance to do that so far. 

I also think our cohort-oriented conversation was important. We get along quite well as a group-- to one degree or another, we do enjoy hanging out socially and we're absolutely invested in each other's progress as actors. That said, there have been some things that a few of us have felt need addressing, particularly a lack of awareness and/or consideration for the betterment of the whole group as an ensemble. It eventually got a bit heated, which I suppose I understand, but the point is: we are all here for the same reason-- to improve ourselves and take every opportunity to do that. Being that we all have the same goal, and we spend at least 9 hours a day together, there requires some give and take to invest in the improvement of the group as an ensemble, and sometimes that means juggling leadership/follower roles and being aware of how your own progress relates to everyone else in the group. That is the main point. I'm curious to see how that develops in the group. Unfortunately, I'm worried at least one member of the group took it the wrong way as he took an opportunity to make a big deal out of a very small moment in one single class today. But I'm only in control of me and how I can contribute to the success of the whole group, as I improve myself. 

I'm excited to be an actor today.

Monday 2 November 2015

Saturday 31 October 2015

jaques by alan rickman - from players of shakespeare 2

Alan Rickman - RSC 1985

You can dress As You Like It in any clothes, jump up and down on tree stumps or slip and slide on white silk as we did, but it goes into a big sulk if you don't remain open to what has always been sitting there on the page. What it is will change its resonance from production to production but more as a result of particular individuals playing the roles than of directorial schemes. 

That is not meant to be actors' megalomania. I say it with some confidence, however, because over the eighteen months that we played it the production's emphasis did shift from a concern for staging effects towards making its characters' inner lives more visible. By the time it closed in London there was hardly a moment which hadn't been simplified so that the play could breathe more easily. Maybe that process should have been in operation earlier, but it is true to say that it could have continued indefinitely-- no one felt we had ever "arrived," there was always a desire to keep the production alive and changing, and it was good to know that predominant among its devoted fans were school parties to whom Shakespeare had previously meant exams and boredom. I feel very protective towards Jaques, the play, and the production in all their elusiveness. I have a love-hate relationship with white silk.

What follows is my version of the thoughts and decisions made between Adrian Noble, the other actors and myself which resulted in this Jaques in this production of As You Like It. None of it should be confused with fact; it is a piece of total bias.

Before rehearsals began, I knew that for many people Jaques is either their favourite or least favourite Shakespearean character, that he carries with him a reputation for having his arms permanently folded and eyebrows forever arched, and that he's the one who does "All the world's a stage." I had played the part before, eight years previously, so I was already sure that he was more than a famous speech on legs. However, as we worked, I found an even clearer picture of a Jaques who is perceptive but passionate, vulnerable but anarchic, and a man whose means of expressing these qualities was completely unpredictable. He's very sure of himself and a bit of a mess.

There was certainly no room to explore all that in rehearsals, and the production did ask us to lay ourselves on the line, but I wanted to keep a sense of Jaques the improviser-- a jack-in-the-box quality of what's he up to? Who's he getting at?-- particularly with the Duke and the lords. In fact, writing this I'm not sure how conscious a decision it was-- mostly the memories are of missing the boat; the other actors must have tired of wondering where I was going to enter from next, or if there would every be a recognisable shape to the scene, but we created an air of mutual surprise to work in which seemed profitable, and it was born out of what I saw as evidence on the page.

What is Jaques's story? Was he one of the three or four loving lords described by Charles as having initially followed the Duke into exile, or is he one of the merry men who turned up later to live like old Robin Hood of England and to fleet the time carelessly?

Jaques does not deny the Duke's accusation that he has been "a libertine," he calls the court "pompous," and his lyrics to Amiens's song speak for themselves.

If it do come to pass,
That any man turn ass,
Leaving his wealth and ease
A stubborn will to please,
Ducdame, ducdame, ducdame!
Here shall he see
Gross fools as he, 
And if he will come to me. 

This, after we have heard the Duke's attempt to raise morale among the freezing troops by suggesting that they kill some venison, coupled with the story of Jaques crying over a dead deer. Does this add up to a picture of harmony in the woodland glades? Before Jaques has even appeared the image I receive of him from the lord's story is already one of antagonism, compassion, and energy. Nor is the Duke's response one of concern for Jaques, but an immediate desire to find him.

I love to cope him in these sullen fits,
For then he's full of matter.

Jaques the entertainer, the radical, someone to wind up. Good value.

I think Jaques is in the forest because it's a less boring option than Duke Frederick's court (where he would surely have been certified) and because, ex-devil that he is, he still needs the odd brick wall to bang his head against. Jaques seeks, ferrets, prods, and interferes but he doesn't do. His self-sufficiency is shaky at the best of times, but he definitely needs the other lords to cook his food.

Taking a few liberties with the order in which these lines appear in the play, here's how Jaques describes himself:

I can suck melancholy out of a song, as a weasel sucks eggs. It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. O that I were a fool! I am ambitious for a motley coat. It is my only suit. I must have liberty withal, as large as a charter as the wind, to blow on whom I please, for so fools have. Give me leave to speak my mind and I will through and through cleanse the foul body of th'infected world, if they will patiently receive my medicine. What, for a counter, would I do but good? Tis good to be sad and say nothing. So to your pleasures, I am for other than for dancing measures. To see no pastime I. I have gain'd my experience. God buy you, and you talk in blank verse.

The first new acquaintance Jaques makes in the forest is Touchstone, who of course wouldn't dream of addressing anyone in blank verse, and when Jaques runs back to the lords like a child with a new toy and start on "A fool, a fool! I met a foot i'th'forest...." it is at once a description, a flight of fancy, and an idealism. The improvisatory quality is at its height, and this is Jaques flying, but he is also at his most vulnerable and wide open for attack. "What for a counter would I do but good?" he says, and I always thought this was the most naked view of Jaques that we are given. A simple line that is immediately punished by the Duke's knowledge of Jaques's past. It is as if Jaques is saying "Let me be a fool, let me say what I think and I'll cure the world." "You?" says the Duke, "You're diseased. They'll all catch it."

The best way to rattle Jaques is to interrupt or alter his rhythm in this way. The "Who cries out on pride" speech which follows is notoriously difficult, and in early rehearsals I would cling to the sense for dear life. The effect of this, of course, was to make it more dense than ever, and it wasn't until I put all its disjointedness and seeming non-sequiturs into the mouth of a wounded and trapped animal that the speech had any real focus in the scene. Or in other words, put rhythm and sense together and you find that yet again Shakespeare has done the work for you.

This also opened up what looked like a more accurate route into "All the world's a stage." Orlando's entrance, his hunger and his concern for Adam, elicits a massive platitude from the Duke. "This wide and universal theatre..." (etc., etc.). Jaques has had time to gather his resources and is ready to pounce. "All the world's a stage" starts on a half-line so it is an immediate reply. He has been provoked into it by what he sees as the leaden sensibilities around him-- "There then! how then? what then?"-- but in a way it is also an example of Jaques as his own worst enemy. It is a speech of indelible imagery, shot through with savage apparent-truths, but it is the speech of an extremist. Seven ages, not one with a glimmer of hope. Of course, he's wrong. After "Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans every thing," Adam is brought on exhausted but not senile-- the essence of courage and loyalty.

Bearing all this in mind, I could never see a measured trip through life as a real possibility. In fact, I thought there should be occasions during the speech when Jaques might be in real danger of losing control. And it is impossible to be unaware that you are delivering one of the most famous speeches in literature. "Mount Everest?... Where?"

If, as Beerbohm writes, As You Like It is not a play but an extended lyric, then "All the world's a stage" is one of its great arias. That's what I went for anyway, trying also to keep its roots tethered in the scene. Hang on to it and let it go at the same time. A suitably impossible aim. It was also used as a kind of fulcrum to the production since the interval was taken at the end of that scene. The play moved from Winter to Spring, and the design from white to green. The second half was always a more relaxed experience for me. If "All the world's a stage" shows Jaques cursed by his own perception, the second half shows the result-- condemned to wander forever, endlessly trying to relocate some innocence, endlessly disappointed. And it is Jaques who initiates conversations with Touchstone, Orlando, and Rosalind, and Jaques who, when disarmed, runs away. Therein lie both his vulnerability and his arrogance.

There is another irony, too. He is also able to function as an occasional breeze to an audience who might otherwise become too heady on Roaslind and Orlando, because of course he doesn't change. He starts the play under a tree by a stream, and ends it offstage sitting in a cave. He hasn't gone off to look for the convertite Duke-- Duke Senior says "Stay, Jaques, stay," and this he happily misinterprets as meaning the Duke has things to discuss. This is the Duke of whom Jaques says, "I think of as many matters as he, but I give heaven thanks, and make no boast of them." This is the Duke who, at the end, seems to have learned little from Arden-- "Now you had three acres, and he had seventeen, and I had three hundred and eighty-four..." What would they have to talk about? I think Jaques is just running on the spot.

So you are left with an image of complete aloneness, mirrored, incidentally, by the fact that the actor walks into the wings and twiddles his thumbs while everyone else is dancing. And in some ways it is a lonely part to play; Jaques starts each scene with his ears pricked and ends them with his tail between his legs. But a curious complicity is established with the audience which allows a lot of warmth in. They frequently seem to share the same set of eyes, and idiosyncratic though it may be, I think he's got a great sense of humour:

And I did laugh sans intermission
An hour by his dial.

As I have already mentioned, I played Jaques once before. This was in a production by Peter James at the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, and I think that is where those seeds were sown. The production was certainly not flippant but Peter has never been adverse to a cheap gag, and that was as joyous an experience as this one as complex. It was in modern dress, played in the round (famous speeches have to be done revolving slowly on the spot) and on an abstract set-- a huge roof of white strips of cloth which could be called down to conceal anyone who needed to hide. I have vivd memories of Audrey, Touchstone, and William singing "Shake it up Shakespeare baby," while eleven hundred people rocked with laughter, and it never seemed even remotely an error of taste. That's how tolerant the play can be. It was a production rooted in a corporate joy. This one seemed to place its characters at a succession of crossroads in order to watch their individual choices. Indeed, Jaques this time round was quite literally old and wiser, but given that first instincts should be guarded jealously, those early discoveries were invaluable.

After one of our last performances, knowing that I was to contribute to this book, I wrote this:

Today we have performed As You Like It twice, and tiredness sometimes brings a freedom which lets you know how much the "work" has been pushed into the background and the character just behaves. There are discoveries I only really make in performance. He is a bit uncoordinated, given to daring about or standing very still, finding imaginary itches, restless and nervy, not comfortable ever. Periods of great concentration and others when easily distracted. Full of private smiles. 

That day, I was also to be visited by the ex-head of the English department at my old school. He had sent a card saying "How are you getting on with Jaques? I always thought he was an old bore." He was coming to my dressing-room at the same time as a young "A" level student who wanted me to answer questions for her theatre-studies project. "Did I see Jaques as anything more than a self-indulgent cynic?"

There must be fifty years between those two questions but Jaques seems to have been imprisoned by teachers', pupils' and audiences' preconceptions as much as by those of Duke Senior.

I just wanted to let him out.

Monday 26 October 2015

reflection: potential breakthrough

 I think today may have been my first turning-point in the course. The truth is that I was pretty glum most of the day. I'm really starting to miss home-- though, it's funny to say that because I don't know that I really see Utah as "home" anymore, and yet it's what home is "supposed" to be. I left home on purpose. I left it without a real intention of permanently going back. So I guess what I mean is, I'm really starting to miss people and aspects of my life in Utah. I was just kind of sad today.

But owing to my poor performance last week, I was determined today to start to change Lou's opinion of me and really take advantage of her expertise, so I arrived to class nearly 20 minutes early and really tried to open myself up. I'm tired of feeling uneasy at school. I'm tired of feeling my own limitation so acutely. Maybe being tired of such things combined with being sad allowed me to just let go.

Something just clicked in the chi qong exercises. They were still challenging, as I expect they always will be, but I wanted to keep going and going and going. I had a few opportunities to have a little emotional release (in the form of a few tears, admittedly) and the room was so warm that it was kind of like hot yoga. It lead so perfectly into the physical energies exercises that Lou takes us through. I'm so in love with how vivid the energies are-- percussive, sustained, collapsed, swinging, vibratory, and suspended are truly able to be embodied and expressed. And though I wasn't able to personally do the vocal exercise that followed, observing Jared and how easily his monologue transformed by focusing on the physical energy of the lines. I was just amazed. Pretty much all at once, organic movement may have just become my favorite class this term (at least for today).

Francoise also helped unlock a few things that I've really been struggling with, namely SO MUCH tension in my stomach. I'm used to tension in my neck and shoulders, but I've the hardest time relaxing my stomach. Today it was still tense, but I feel like I'm able to visualize my breath and where sounds are made in my body (ie. not in my throat) and trusting my alignment. When I started speaking one of my speeches I stopped to laugh because I sounded so different. My voice tends to be quite high, and I wonder if it isn't at least in part because of tension squeezing it out of my throat. A (more) relaxed voice sounds so much more "natural" and "like me" to myself. It was an interesting revelation. Maybe I talk higher and with more constriction than "I" want to? I just laughed because I sound like my mom.

I'm surprised by how well I love stage combat. I didn't expect it. I leave feeling excited and happy after every class, even with continued stomach tension.

Feeling empowered, I came home and hopped onto a Skype session with my friend Natalie who does energy work. It was just what I needed. She lead me through a series of assisted meditations which really helped me realize what I'm keeping stuck in my stomach muscles, namely some resentment for moving forward in my life (as in, the main part of my old self is resentful of my shiny new self for deciding that my old life, which was previously fine by me, isn't good enough anymore) and a big brick of self-doubt weighing me down. Between class and this session with Natalie I have realized:

I have not only been holding myself back in the name of the ensemble and in self-discovery, but I have also been allowing my cohort to hold me back by allowing them to form opinions of me and what I'm capable of. I have felt distinctly middle-of-the-pack, which I was at first willing to be because I felt like I "needed" to be and I felt like I needed to set aside all sense of competitiveness. What I'm realizing today is that a sense of competition is good-- not with anyone else, but with myself. I DO need to improve (that's why I'm here) but it actually doesn't serve me at all to completely forget about how much experience I have. And also, improve doesn't mean everything I've done till now is the worst. Improve means what I've done so far is pretty good and now I can get better than that.

I'm happy and light an excited for the first time in weeks. I can't wait to see what I can do.

Saturday 10 October 2015

WEEK 1

What a wonderful, strange, overwhelming week we've had.

I'm not sure what I was expecting. This isn't really it, but it's also so much more. I guess that's kind of the point. And frankly, it's my experience with every other important thing in my life-- what married life is like, what divorced life is like, visiting London for the first time, etc.-- so I guess it's an indicator that I'm on the right track. The next two years seem like they'll pass so very slowly but also very quickly. I have a feeling I'm going to be caught in that sense of back-and-forth dichotomy a lot during my time at BSA.

A lot of this week was "getting to know you," as I expected. Since we'll work with most of these people over the next two years I was invested in and happy to do a more extensive kind of introduction in each class. I felt really specifically as if the tutors want to know us all individually. I felt very important to each one of them. This is so important to me as I set out on this experience with a whole group of people who are also wanting to improve themselves as actors. I really feel like this place can give me individual attention in a group setting.

I'm also surprised by how much of this week I felt so relatively comfortable in each of the classes. I feel distinctly that I haven't failed anything so far. Not that I could on a first day, but I mean that I think I, at very least, have enough experience in the subject of each course that I have solid footing t move forward. I don't know what I expected-- I don't think I thought I'd be overwhelmed or knocked over in any class, especially the first day, but I guess I didn't expect to feel this comfortable in each class. It gives me encouragement to move forward. I'm in the right place.

I can't say I know the rest of the cohort well enough to weigh in on where everyone else stands, though I'm a bit surprised some of them don't have any exposure to some things that I find pretty basic and necessary for actors (ex: matching pitch for singing, basic movement, etc.). We're still getting to know each other and I have every expectation that we'll continue to surprise each other, but I suppose I expected everyone to be at a more similar level within each subject. I'm interested to see how my expectations continue to be blown up.

Movement: I AM RUSTY. But my background in dance will not only be quite helpful, I think it'll help me get back on my feet (so to speak) a lot faster. I'm so glad I've already been walking around the city for the last month. I can't imagine what things would be like if I had come straight from my desk job life. I'm much more interested in stage combat than I expected. I love Keith. I'm quite interested in working on some folk dancing-- I'll feel right at home! Not convinced by chi qong yet, but I don't really love yoga and it reminds me of yoga... I want to be in the fittest physical condition of my life by the time I graduate.

Singing: What is this Estill method? I'm so intrigued. It's like nothing I feel like I've ever encountered, but we haven't really done enough singing yet for me to grasp what it's all about. I have a feeling I'll be undoing a lot of the training I've already got. I love the motto though: Craft + Artistry = Performance Magic. This is something I can get behind in a big way. I want to be an excellent singer and an excellent singing actress by the time I graduate.

Voice: This is the area I feel the least comfortable in. I have zero formal voice training. So far there's a lot discussion about voice in Francoise's class and a lot of feeling in Simon's, but I feel quite prepared for Phyllida's class. Dialects interest me and I learn them easily/well. I'm glad to get some formal help from someone who can really help me-- and is native to England!!! I want to have real insight to and control of my voice, and the physical and emotional freedom to have real vocal agility by the time I graduate.

Acting/Workshop: This is the area I expected to be most self-conscious, and I was right. I'm self-conscious because it's not wholly unfamiliar given my professional experience but I've never attended a single formal acting class. Sure enough-- many of the exercises we've done so far are entirely unfamiliar and frankly uncomfortable. I've never been a good improver, and while I understand the value of it, and I'm totally willing to dive in and do it, I am so unsure of myself in every single second of it. There are others who are totally comfortable and it's very hard not to compare myself. I also feel like I have a hard time expressing exactly what I mean, probably stemming from my unsurety. I have felt corrected about rather subjective things, and while I understand the value of feedback and correction, I'm also unused to being "wrong" about things like my personal acting motto. I also feel like there are others in the cohort who has FAR less practical or "real world" experience than I do, and sometimes the academic answer isn't as important as the practical answer. I don't know. I'm anticipating Wednesday may be my hardest day because it is everything I want to improve most for myself. I want to be a legitimate, consummate actor by the time I graduate.