final workbook session

I know it's my own fault but I felt really rather discouraged upon leaving our final workbook session of the term today.

I'm a little bit tired of how frequently my cohort likes to (as the Mormons say) "bear testimony" of how much they love each other and the programme and how we work together, etc. etc. etc. 

Cool. Got it. 

It doesn't serve much to continue talking and TALKING about it. 

And it's tough because I can't invalidate someone else's experience or opinion-- their views are all valid. But for example, Robert started talking about his friend who is in a 3-year course and how glad he is that he's in a 2-year programme because he'd rather "fast-track" his progress. But our course isn't a "fast track." And it shouldn't be. And I certainly can't say that I feel like I'm on a "fast track" since one Shakespeare scene in acting class and working on one Shakespeare play hasn't really given us a lot of exposure to the entire era. The whole point is to find and explore and discover in depth.

What our programme is is immersive-- or at least it should be. We aren't going to "be tested" on the reading list, but the discoveries we make in the reading should be reflective in our work. We don't have many traditional assignments due each week, but the work we do between sessions should indicate a level of focus ongoing outside of class. I was attracted to this programme specifically because it expects the students to do the work of a 3-year course in two years. To me there's nothing "fast track" about that.  There's a lot of trust and responsibility put on us in that regard. And the progress I feel we've made as a cohort this term I'm not sure reflects the depth we could have reached in ten weeks. I think we've "fast tracked" it in the sense of being a little bit shallow, breezing along and taking advantage of free evenings and no papers to write.

I know I haven't done everything I can either. I know I've allowed my mindset to be somewhat swayed by the fact that I'm fairly confident in at least some sessions that people won't take it very seriously, won't necessarily have done the work throughout the week, won't necessarily even be completely memorized, and that there will be very little consequence for that, particularly since we aren't being assessed on much this term. I know I've fallen into that trap. It's a tough one too, because I see myself doing it and I'm annoyed by myself, but I'm also faced with the reality that it's hard to reach new depths for myself in every session (some it's certainly possible, and I do my best in those to push myself) when I spend time waiting for others to catch up, simply because they haven't thought about the session since the previous week. I can coast on that. We all can.

It makes me really frustrated. And energized to do better.

But I don't know how to push my friends to expect more of themselves too. I suppose that will come naturally the progression of the course in each term, if for no other reason that we'll have assessments in more and more classes to look forward to. But I think more can be expected of us. All eight of us are capable of SO MUCH MORE than we've been displaying. We are MASTERS students, which means we should be producing MASTERS-level work, whether or not it's even expected of us. We should go home every day feeling exhausted and spent, but responsible for the work we still need to do before coming back to class the next morning.

This shouldn't be a "fast track."

I need to do a lot of reflecting over the break to take ownership of what I can do better. And I will do those things, for the sake of myself and also the cohort. But I hope I can look forward to the support of my fellow students to do the same.

d.o.n.e.

I think I'm ready for this term to be over. 

I really enjoy the things we've been working on and I think I'm starting to get to a place where it's all starting to gel, but I'm really done with the learning dynamic of my cohort. I understand that people learn in different ways and at different rates, and I understand that we came into this programme with different levels of training, but I'm really really frustrated that the pace of MY learning in class is so frequently determined by my classmates. 

It took us two hours over two class sessions to learn the steps for the jig that's supposed to be at the end of As You Like It. We haven't learned the actual choreography yet. We have one class session left. 

It took us more than an hour to learn HALF of the pavan today, which is a series of WALKING STEPS. 

Literal.

WALKING.

Francoise is still having to remind us to "listen to me demonstrate" before we jump in to the exercises she takes us through. 

Our final cultural studies session yesterday was 1.5 hours of mostly senseless nodding to questions like "Have you talked about pastoral comedies yet?" to which the actual answer is NO, not in the textbook, historical context that she's referring to. In fact, I don't know that the phrase "pastoral comedy" has actually be used anywhere this term. SO WHY ARE WE NODDING?????????

I'm frankly also disappointed that we haven't been able to tackle more than one scene in our acting class. I feel like we need to be be exposed to more scenes/plays within a term, particularly within an acting class. I'm worried that this is going to determine the rest of the year. I'd like to do more than one Restoration piece, for example, and definitely more than one Well Made Play scene. 

All of this comes back to a sense of pace. As graduate acting students, why aren't we able to work through more material more swiftly??????

I feel so ready to just finish this term, get what I can from it, and regroup before next term. I'm ready to FLY next term.

And at very least, I cannot be in Group B as it stands right now. 

In fact-- I almost wish we had Groups A, B AND C because in groups of 2-3 we'd truly get the instruction each of us need without holding anyone back or moving too swiftly for others. 

But being that we can't have three groups, I'm JUST DONE working at the rate of the slowest members of the class. I really hope the instructors start to push us a little faster next term and encourage those who can't move as quickly to sometimes seek tutorials or work on their own time. It just doesn't feel fair. 

Now isn't this a change from my initial feelings about school!

progress

I've landed on Jaques.

At least more so.

And goddammit-- David Jackson was right about the clothes and no makeup.

I very specifically wore clothes that made me feel boxy and uncomfortable as Emily. My goal was to find a way to make them feel comfortable as someone else. Wouldn't you know it, carrying myself differently and utilizing my hands in pants pockets made me feel more comfortable.

And I made some big strides in line delivery, which allowed for a lot of good, specific direction.

I wore my glasses to rehearsal today and it was like icing on the cake. Glasses even give me a mannerism-- pushing them on my nose.

I'm actually looking forward to rehearsal next week. I never thought the day would come. I still don't particularly like As You Like It and I certainly don't love some of the acting choices my peers are making, but we're starting to have a show here, and I'm starting to enjoy my contributions to it.

All the world's a stage...

rehearsal reflections

Good progress this morning on the play. I wish we could get a little deeper into things but David's directing style is layered, so we get a bit more each time we work through it. Also it's tough to work very deeply when we're all in varying places of memorization (myself included). I guess overall I prefer to learn and work chunks at a time. I'm quite used to being memorized for rehearsal but usually there's the benefit of working on a scene for an hour or a few right up front so it helps the memorization process solidify before the next time the scene is revisited. I don't know. This process isn't my favorite and I think it's ambitious as our introductory rehearsal process, but oh well. It's coming along and at least David recognizes the work I'm doing on my own. I guess that's what matters to me the most.

I'm so glad we're at the point in the term where our cohort are starting to get real direction and correction from our tutors. I've been waiting for the kind of corrections we've really started to get this week. There is something to be said for "discovery" and in our own time, but that really only gets a person so far, I think. I'm here so I can improve-- being let to continue in bad habits doesn't seem helpful. I don't mean line-reads or anything like that, but I'm a little tired of kind of exclusively exploring. Exploration can go hand-in-hand with the kind of direction that I'm hoping for.

But today makes me feel encouraged. Hoping it's an indication of things to come over the next few weeks.

wednesday reflection

I think acting class went really well today. I do really enjoy listening to the other scenes and the feedback for/from everyone else. I really look forward to this class. What a change from the first few weeks of classes when I expected to hate Wednesdays. OK, GRAD SCHOOL, I GET IT. I'M LEARNING AND CHANGING. OK, YOU GOT ME. It was pretty amazing to see my cohort perform-- there really is such improvement in everyone. Relative to their level of experience, of course, but everyone really has improved. Though I still question some of my peer's clothing choices... (Namely, long underwear are not pants.)

I think Wendy & Peter Pan at the RSC last night has sparked a lot of thought in me. I'm ultimately really excited about being an actor today. I don't always feel excited. I'd say I always feel passionate or ambitious or intent, but not necessarily excited. But I'm excited today-- yet the question is, to what end? I'm not sure what that means, because I think I do want a professional career. No-- I know I do. But at the RSC? Or something like it? Why not at Utah Shakespeare Festival? You know? I guess I'm just very struck by how good work can be (and is) done at places without a great reputation or budget or star power or notoriety. And I guess obviously I'd like to work for Utah Shakes-- I'd like it quite a lot, actually. But I just feel like good work goes into the universe and makes a ripple, even just a small one, even if only for 6 people in the audience. That sounds terribly poetical... But it's true.

Except I always want to perform for audiences much, much bigger than 6 people. But where?

Our magical movement class with Keith was lovely as always. We did some partner work where one partner had to explore movement with their eyes closed. It was very freeing and a true trust-building exercise. I love Keith's approach to movement-- it's so exploratory and energy-based and, as always, I'm surprised by what I'm capable of doing. I was also pleased with the exercise today since I worked with Rachael and much of the time she and I just let the other play with their eyes closed. We'd control the situation so the other wouldn't run into a wall or another person or we'd catch each other if we fell (on purpose) but we were pretty intent of letting the other do whatever they wanted to do without inhibiting-- just supporting it.

Most of the class, however, created a kind of duet together, which was also lovely, but a few of them mentioned that they didn't want to leave the "blind" partner in "the void," so they were much more hands-on. I don't think it's at all wrong, but I do think that's somewhat reflective of how we have different ideals as a practicing ensemble. I didn't feel like I was in a void at all when my eyes were closed-- I felt like I couldn't fail, actually, like every possibility was open to me. That's not a void at all. And since each "blind" moment was about one of us, the other was there to facilitate that focus, not insist on participating or controlling or throwing curveballs at them when they were already in a sensory disadvantage. If we had both had our eyes open, then the moment (or the scene or whatever) is about us and there's more room to share the performance.

I don't know-- maybe I'm digging too deeply but it feels somewhat rudimentary for the seeing partner to insist on participating-- and potential grounds for bd acting habits, honestly. A GIANT part of working in an ensemble is knowing when it's your moment and when it's not your moment, even if you're onstage; to what degree do I "matter" to the storytelling of the events in the scene. It's not about "moving" or "working" together-- it's the give and take and knowing when you're frankly not "the point" in a moment. I'm interested in exploring these ideas more, especially as our group continues to refine their skills.

Rehearsal for As You Like It was pretty good. We spent 1.5 hours working on 2.7, but it was good hard work, which was needed for all the reasons-- not the least of which is the entire cast is in the scene. I did it completely off-book and made some great strides, in spite of needing to call for lines at the end of both monologues. I started to get a bit bummed at myself but the truth is, David was pleased with my progress, I knew the scene well enough to be able to work through it, and also I have a good (productive) ability to stay in the moment as I have lines fed to me so I help keep the momentum going for everyone else-- so big progress today.

I don't suck at acting. I'm actually pretty good at acting. I'm extra motivated to catch a second wind and keep working hard this term. I want to end it as strongly as I can so that I know I have taken every opportunity to take advantage of the discovery part of this term.

acting

I'm really thrilled that we've been doing so much energy work in acting class in the last few weeks. I feel like it's been rather transformative, at least emotionally if not physically. Energy work is something I've been so interested in for so long in my personal life, I'm surprised and a little annoyed that I haven't applied it more to my acting. I especially loved working through the chakras and applying them to the Countess for my scene-- it absolutely gave me new direction, to the point where I don't think I was able to give my strongest performance immediately following the energy work because I was so interested in playing with leading from different chakras, but I'm excited to apply it in my own time and going forward. I have a feeling it will help me nail down Jaques a bit better too.

Speaking of whom, that character is such a mystery and I'm pretty frustrated. I know we still have a month to work, but I just don't feel like I understand this guy. First of all, I think it's clearly because he is a guy. I feel extraordinarily limited in my physicality because I am so comparatively feminine. But there's also an element of relaxation to him, almost a bit gender-neutral (the introduction essay in our copy of the script talks about this a lot), which makes things incredibly difficult. He wanders. He moves. I'm trying to find moments of stillness because it will help me control it, but by virtue of how the character is written, he's just not very buttoned up, which is causing me problems. David has asked that I come to rehearsal from now on with no makeup or jewellery, my hair undone, and in proper trousers. I may actually venture to Primark or something this week to invest in a few pairs of actual male pants to see if that will help me? I'm sure it'll be psychological more than anything but I do need some help and dressing the part will be part of it.

But clothing aside, I just don't get it. I don't know what to do with my hands and my arms. I don't know how to stand or carry myself. I don't know how to even hold my head with Jaques. Le Beau has come SO EASILY to me, but Jaques is an absolute puzzle. I'm trying to head into the next week with a good attitude and make BIG choices in rehearsals to see what I can find. He requires exploration this week. Here's hoping I can make some discoveries.

All I do is win win win no matter what what.......

beautiful

I have never had a class experience like I had today in Keith's class. I think most of the class feels the same way. What we accomplished today was nothing short of a kind of miracle that I could have experienced for hours and hours and hours.

The thing is, it's very difficult to convey. Keith's class itself is actually pretty hard to describe. I guess what we really did today was mainly improvised movement that was like dancing sometimes, like performance art in other moments. He played music and gave us some little direction, particularly as we began-- focus on movement through the feet, move it up into the knees and legs, let it come from the hips, etc. I'm always impressed in that class by the fact that I'm so much more physically capable than I think I am. If I truly let my wrist lead or my knees or my hips or my chest, and truly let the movement come from those places, everything becomes so relatively easy. I don't have to work to stand, I don't feel awkward on the floor, I can jump and leap and throw myself around easily. It isn't hard. It's so incredibly liberating.

As the music changed, obviously so did the movement and the direction Keith was giving us so that we began to work together-- to have "conversations," as he calls them. All of a sudden we were truly acting. We were creating relationships together and little stories. The most absolutely stunning part of the experience was as we concentrated on "reaching and pulling." The tension between partners and small groups of people opened up so many physical possibilities to get into various positions and shapes. But also in the energetic sense, we were able to make connections with people across the room, people who weren't even in the room. I had a particularly lovely little moment with Jared that all at once felt exploratory and sad and maybe a hint sensual but incredibly platonic and filled with such trust. I look forward to working with him. I feel like I can progress far with him in my class.

Looking around at the cohort at the end of class, all of us dripping with sweat and messy hair and breathing deep and with some emotion around our eyes, I've never been more in love with and attracted to a group of people. I felt like myself and knew that everyone around me was themselves too. It's purely amazing what happens when you let go and stop trying.

i won today

Today was the greatest day of my grad school experience so far.

Madison and I nailed our All's Well scene for Alex's class. To be honest, it wouldn't have been hard to do better than we did last time.... but I think we both felt like we had something to prove, and we did. We've made great strides as a duo. The energy exercises last week really motivated us, as well as our Globe experience. I think Madison and I are getting closer as peers as well, and starting to trust each other, which obviously affects our scene. We went last of the scenes and in a small way, it was like a micro version of those performances when you know you have the entire audience in the palm of your hand. The class felt very engaged with us and we were very engaged with each other. It paid off.

Alex had some great notes for us afterward, namely that he was incredibly impressed by how "on the line" we deliver the verse. The whole class got notes this week and during our first performances about acting on the line and it doesn't seem to be clicking with most of the class. In fact, if we step back and look at the scope of all of our classes, every class where we have looked at Shakespeare text has been lessons in acting on the line and not between lines or in the middle of the line. That's the whole point-- to stop taking the time to think, frankly. And even though we've heard it literally one million times between classes and the reading we're supposed to be doing, today was the first time it started to click with most of the cohort what it means that "Shakespeare is not psychological realism." I like to think our performance in class had a little bit of an illustrative effect as well.

I need to work on my physicality, but of course I do. That's typically what my acting notes come back to. But we had a great connection and everyone had very complimentary things to say. Alex said it was the first time today that he just wanted to know what was going to happen next. I feel very accomplished in that.

Acting isn't about "winning" and neither is grad school, particularly in a cohort situation, but it feels really nice to have won my own day.

jaques

Thomas Barrow - Downton Abbey

Oliver Ryan - RSC 2013

mid-week reflection

Things I feel pretty good at today:

• What we covered in ballet today-- despite having massage treatment on my hips yesterday (causing my hips to turn to mush when required to work this morning). I have pretty dancer feet. 
• SINGING-- I feel glorious and capable. 
• RP-- I presented a piece for Phyllida from Overruled by G.B. Shaw today and all she said was "Jolly good! You remind me of Helen George." No corrections, and a high compliment!
• Stretching and movement basics-- I think I've emerged from my "feeling rusty" stage to a place where I think I can start improving again. 

Things I need to work on: 

• Memorization-- act II from AS YOU LIKE IT; second verse of folk song "The Lark in the Clear Air." 
• Review-- scene from ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL; act I from AS YOU LIKE IT; sonnet for Simon's class; lyrics of "Perfect;" lyrics of "Just Keep Moving the Line. 
• Study-- act III from AS YOU LIKE IT; second sonnet for Simon's class.

Extracurricular activities for the week: 

• Private voice lesson with Kerry. 
• Wednesday yoga at home.
• Thursday ballet class at Hippodrome. 

We had a few really good conversations in Workbook yesterday, firstly about our Globe experience and then about our cohort dynamic. I found both conversations incredibly valuable. I love to talk about acting and feel like I don't really get the chance to do that so far. 

I also think our cohort-oriented conversation was important. We get along quite well as a group-- to one degree or another, we do enjoy hanging out socially and we're absolutely invested in each other's progress as actors. That said, there have been some things that a few of us have felt need addressing, particularly a lack of awareness and/or consideration for the betterment of the whole group as an ensemble. It eventually got a bit heated, which I suppose I understand, but the point is: we are all here for the same reason-- to improve ourselves and take every opportunity to do that. Being that we all have the same goal, and we spend at least 9 hours a day together, there requires some give and take to invest in the improvement of the group as an ensemble, and sometimes that means juggling leadership/follower roles and being aware of how your own progress relates to everyone else in the group. That is the main point. I'm curious to see how that develops in the group. Unfortunately, I'm worried at least one member of the group took it the wrong way as he took an opportunity to make a big deal out of a very small moment in one single class today. But I'm only in control of me and how I can contribute to the success of the whole group, as I improve myself. 

I'm excited to be an actor today.

le beau

Herbert Fortier as Le Beau circa 1899