I quit Godspell. It doesn't feel like much because I can't say it felt like I was even in it to begin with. I never received a script, despite multiple and frequent requests. And what's a few hours spent discussing options and plans? What losses Drew and I have amassed are mostly financial-- I think we can kiss goodbye our investment, which wasn't exactly a small amount, but it's a good lesson and it is what it is. And I guess I've lost my personal relationships with a few people who I guess weren't friends anyway-- heaven knows I'm certainly not shooting myself in the foot professionally by losing them.
What I've learned from this experience--
1. It is hard to undertake a professional project with friends. I will always do more research and consideration before jumping in, especially if it involves my own money. I have learned I'm actually good at keeping business separate from friendship, but not everyone is. Especially, it seems, Type A personalities who have the same training as me but a much higher opinion of themselves compared to everyone else.
2. Steer clear of putting myself in a position to be taken advantage of. I have many strengths and previous experiences that are valuable-- in this specific case, having been to the Fringe twice as an actor and director. I also know people who are supportive and in a position to financially support projects. And, lest I don't give myself this credit, I'm also a decent actor and singer. But none of these things are worth being taken advantage of by someone who doesn't value me in the core of it. My experience and connections were being used to further someone else's ego. I don't need to work with people who see me as a way to simply further themselves.
3. It's ok to unload my plate. I don't need to make any excuses for myself. I'm looking out for myself and my family. I did all I could to not let anyone down, but I now know that it's ok to responsibly step back from something if it's in my best interest. As a mere actor in this specific project, who could "be replaced" and whose involvement didn't ultimately matter because "this project will happen if I have to do a one-man show, period, full stop," I can step away in good conscience. People in our profession back out of projects all the time. While there are always consequences, which one must be prepared for, in this case, the benefits outweigh the consequences by a long shot. I can't feel bad for choosing my MFA and my family over a project that wasn't worth the effort in comparison. And that's ok.
4. The benefits of stepping away are: being able to focus on school during this term that has been a tough one for me and during which too much of my time was going to be devoted to an extracurricular activity; being able to focus on my research this summer instead of give any time to someone who didn't necessarily find much value in her own research and therefore has loud opinions about everyone else's research; having time to go home to be with my family, attend my cousin's wedding and my great-aunt's memorial; having time with my future step-children, especially having been gone the last 10 months, learning to be a step mother and define my role in the extended family; and planning a wedding to marry the most supportive, sweet, wonderful partner, without whom I wouldn't be in England or in this programme I am enjoying so much.
Quitting that project was the best idea.
No comments:
Post a Comment