I think today may have been my first turning-point in the course. The truth is that I was pretty glum most of the day. I'm really starting to miss home-- though, it's funny to say that because I don't know that I really see Utah as "home" anymore, and yet it's what home is "supposed" to be. I left home on purpose. I left it without a real intention of permanently going back. So I guess what I mean is, I'm really starting to miss people and aspects of my life in Utah. I was just kind of sad today.
But owing to my poor performance last week, I was determined today to start to change Lou's opinion of me and really take advantage of her expertise, so I arrived to class nearly 20 minutes early and really tried to open myself up. I'm tired of feeling uneasy at school. I'm tired of feeling my own limitation so acutely. Maybe being tired of such things combined with being sad allowed me to just let go.
Something just clicked in the chi qong exercises. They were still challenging, as I expect they always will be, but I wanted to keep going and going and going. I had a few opportunities to have a little emotional release (in the form of a few tears, admittedly) and the room was so warm that it was kind of like hot yoga. It lead so perfectly into the physical energies exercises that Lou takes us through. I'm so in love with how vivid the energies are-- percussive, sustained, collapsed, swinging, vibratory, and suspended are truly able to be embodied and expressed. And though I wasn't able to personally do the vocal exercise that followed, observing Jared and how easily his monologue transformed by focusing on the physical energy of the lines. I was just amazed. Pretty much all at once, organic movement may have just become my favorite class this term (at least for today).
Francoise also helped unlock a few things that I've really been struggling with, namely SO MUCH tension in my stomach. I'm used to tension in my neck and shoulders, but I've the hardest time relaxing my stomach. Today it was still tense, but I feel like I'm able to visualize my breath and where sounds are made in my body (ie. not in my throat) and trusting my alignment. When I started speaking one of my speeches I stopped to laugh because I sounded so different. My voice tends to be quite high, and I wonder if it isn't at least in part because of tension squeezing it out of my throat. A (more) relaxed voice sounds so much more "natural" and "like me" to myself. It was an interesting revelation. Maybe I talk higher and with more constriction than "I" want to? I just laughed because I sound like my mom.
I'm surprised by how well I love stage combat. I didn't expect it. I leave feeling excited and happy after every class, even with continued stomach tension.
Feeling empowered, I came home and hopped onto a Skype session with my friend Natalie who does energy work. It was just what I needed. She lead me through a series of assisted meditations which really helped me realize what I'm keeping stuck in my stomach muscles, namely some resentment for moving forward in my life (as in, the main part of my old self is resentful of my shiny new self for deciding that my old life, which was previously fine by me, isn't good enough anymore) and a big brick of self-doubt weighing me down. Between class and this session with Natalie I have realized:
I have not only been holding myself back in the name of the ensemble and in self-discovery, but I have also been allowing my cohort to hold me back by allowing them to form opinions of me and what I'm capable of. I have felt distinctly middle-of-the-pack, which I was at first willing to be because I felt like I "needed" to be and I felt like I needed to set aside all sense of competitiveness. What I'm realizing today is that a sense of competition is good-- not with anyone else, but with myself. I DO need to improve (that's why I'm here) but it actually doesn't serve me at all to completely forget about how much experience I have. And also, improve doesn't mean everything I've done till now is the worst. Improve means what I've done so far is pretty good and now I can get better than that.
I'm happy and light an excited for the first time in weeks. I can't wait to see what I can do.
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