THE VEIL - week 9

I'm going to lose my mind.

I go back and forth between really enjoying the material and exploring this character, and being entirely limited/appalled by certain members of this cast. I have rarely been a part of a more imbalanced process. Some of our cast with similar concerns would say it is poor, demonstrative directing that's putting the wrong people on a tight lead (or rather, letting the wrong people have free reign to do whatever the hell they basically want). I can see that. I don't entirely disagree. But ultimately I have found Simon to be a fine enough director-- at least in my own process.

What I find appalling-- APPALLING-- is the sheer and utter disregard of some of my castmates for the process or acting choices of their castmates. AKA us. Who have since last term been frankly expected to be able to "go with it" when these specific people do whatever they want with such freedom that they not only do whatever they want, but also blatantly IGNORING the choices of their scene partners.

This morning I decided to try to take it on myself to react differently (and more and more honestly) to Zak's speech at me in Act II. I went with what I was being given, which I always aim to do but balanced with keeping "Emily's" reactions separate from "Madeleine's." His Fingal in this rehearsal was making my Madeleine feel disgusted, embarrassed, angry, incensed, frustrated, pitiful, ridiculous-- so I played all of those reactions as I had them (keeping in mind the limitations of the circumstances of my character, the fact that Madeleine has no lines for those pages of the script, and the fact I have been directed to stand still). HIS PERFORMANCE DID NOT CHANGE. It was the same sobbing, SLOW nonsense he's done since the first read through. Aubrey has one major chunk of lines that gets steamrolled and laughed at because her scene partners do not respect or consider her singular moment. And when they receive direction, it is so difficult for them to digest what is being given that we can't continue to layer developments or corrections. It makes me crazy. Such a horrific lack of awareness. It's unfair and maddening.

Yet what do we do? For myself, I've had talks with Simon about why I'm making certain choices and that I feel completely limited (aka held hostage) by my scene partners. It is not my job to give them notes or direction, especially since we are preparing to be professional actors. Yet we are in an academic setting, so it seems we should be able to do SOMETHING to encourage our classmates to take anyone into consideration beyond themselves. We should all be able to have access to the same opportunities to grow and explore in the rehearsal process.

The first day of orientation during induction week, Alex told us about our programme being an opportunity to facilitate each others' learning. It is a point we have returned to OVER and OVER, ALL YEAR. I would say Group A does that for me. I feel safe in my scenes with Jared and Aubrey in The Veil. Jared and Rachael are largely why I had a chance to find success in She Ventures... and term 2 acting class. The rest of the play and my acting class scene this term make me anxious and frustrated and mad. I've been generally backed into a corner this term and throughout the year. And it's more than I can take. I am thrilled to go away for the summer in a few weeks and then to return to our research term in the fall. Maybe by term 2 next year, and potentially with some other classmates to join us, I might be ready to work with some of them by January.

I have said before-- a group can only work at the level of it's weakest link. It's not fair that the rest of us have been so acutely at their mercy.

It makes me that much more determined to be a good, safe seen partner. I never want to make others feel the way I do. I want to be wholly prepared to make my castmates look good. My own preparation and process is worthless if it doesn't help my castmates. My creative decisions are selfish and unprofessional if they prevent others from doing their best work. It is my job to be ready to bring freshness to my rehearsals and performances-- to listen to what is being said to, about and around me onstage and react. APPROPRIATELY. I must be sensitive to and aware of other characters in the text and onstage. It's just not about how I influence others for my aims, it's how I can work with others for their aims too. It's give and take. I feel good about how much I give and have given. I will work harder to give even more for the rest of this process and in performances, and try to be satisfied with my efforts.

It would just be great to receive the same courtesy from my classmates.